I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
