I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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