and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
