im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im having a threesome with these popsicles
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
