Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
