Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
