Umm I'm too high to move.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
