I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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