you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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