I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
