M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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