Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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