it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
