can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
