Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
