I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
