she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
