Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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