your parents love me but you hate me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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