I think my fart just growled at me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
