And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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