Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
