she woke up with a sticky ear
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
