he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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