so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
