I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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