i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
