It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
