found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is Oprah even human
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
