Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
