my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
