She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
