im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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