I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
