i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The feeling are messing with the penis
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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