If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Holy sore nipples Batman
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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