i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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