pop tarts are not kleenex
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
