My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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