Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
