he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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