woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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