barbara walters just said penis...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
