She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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