Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
