At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
