Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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