I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
