hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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