I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
